How NLP Can Rewire Your Mind and Break the Patterns Holding You Back, with Dr. Heidi Heron

What if the biggest thing holding you back, isn’t your circumstances, but the story you keep repeating in your mind?

In episode 37 of The Influence Exchange, J.V. sits down with coach, therapist, author, and NLP expert Dr. Heidi Heron for a deep conversation about mindset, human behavior, imposter syndrome, fear, self-doubt, and personal growth.

For more than 25 years, Dr. Heidi Heron has helped people understand how unconscious beliefs and mental patterns shape the way they think, feel, and live. Together, J.V. and Dr. Heidi break down why so many people feel stuck, and how awareness can completely change your life.

In this episode, they discuss:

What mindset really means
Why people stay stuck even when they want change
The hidden beliefs controlling your behavior

Fear of judgment and imposter syndrome
Why confidence and competence are different
The power of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
How your thoughts shape your emotions
Why looking up can actually change your state emotionally
Human behavior, awareness, and personal responsibility
How to stop living on autopilot

This episode is filled with practical insight, relatable moments, and powerful mindset shifts that can help you better understand yourself and the patterns holding you back.

If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt, fear of change, feeling stuck, negative thinking, overthinking, confidence, then this conversation is for you.

 Dr. Heidi Heron Website: https://www.heidiheron.com/

Buy Dr. Heidi Heron Book: https://a.co/d/0cCg2oom

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

What if the only thing truly holding you back is the story you keep telling yourself? Today's guest helps people understand how their thoughts, beliefs, and patterns shape the way they live and more importantly, how to change things. Dr. Heidi Haran is a coach, therapist, author, and expert in human behavior and neurolinguistic programming, also known as NLP. For more than 25 years, she has helped people break through fear, self-doubt, limiting belief, and a mental pattern that keeps them stuck. Her message is powerful but simple. Your mindset is not fixed, and you have more control over your life than you think. If you've ever been struggling with confidence, imposter syndrome, fear of change, or feeling stuck, then this conversation is for you. Please join me in welcoming Dr. Heidi Haran. Let's get into it. Hello, Dr. Heidi Haran. How are you today? Great. How are you doing? I'm doing great and I'm happy that you're here joining us on the Influence Exchange today. It's a pleasure and I'm so excited to dive into today's conversation with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Thank you. No, I'm looking forward to it as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Absolutely. So, Doctor, I usually like to engage my audience and bring them in to who am I talking to? Yeah. So before I dive in and explain who you are as an individual, please explain to the audience how you became who you are today.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Wow. How did I become who I am today? Through a lot of trial and error, is what my guess is going to be. I'm still figuring it out. I think like most of us are trying to figure that out of who are we? In the what I have been is I'm still trying to figure it out, is an is a helper, is a service provider of help. And I work with individuals. I'm a coach, I'm a therapist, I'm an author. And I have a I've always had a deep interest in people. And I think a curiosity. I have such an open mind about people and ideas and things, and probably like a lot of people, that burning question of why? You know, I can't I can't imagine you do this because you don't have that question of why? Why do we do what we do? And I always wanted to figure out, you know, like, who am I? Why do I do what I do? And equally, why do other people do what they do? And what makes people tick? Why does somebody get distraught and frustrated in one situation and in another person, it doesn't bother them at all? And so through my whole life, I will I've always had that level of curiosity, but probably about 30 years ago or so, I picked up a book of neurolinguistic programming and it just blew my socks off. And if it weren't so chilly today, I probably still wouldn't have socks on. But it was one of those aspects and it complemented my degrees in psychology and communication that gave me understanding of more about the unconscious mind and those patterns and programs that we run. And then for the past 27 years, I've been working with people in from a psychological and a coaching perspective to understand themselves, get over themselves and get out from under those patterns that hold people back through through coaching, through training, through writing, through helping and and through, I think also just being me, because I think that's important too, is when people can see, hey, she's just her and she is, you know, pretty successful. How do I do that? So trial and error. Sure.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Yeah, yeah, thank you. Every time I interview someone, I get nervous. And it's because maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I want to make sure I'm doing a good job. And why do you think people get nervous, especially when you're doing something that's good for them and giving back to others? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I think you you hit one of the nails on the head is we want to do a good job. So I think people get nervous for one of two reasons. The first one is exactly what you just said. We want to do a good job. Now, a lot of people confuse that with the other reason of I'm afraid to do a bad job. Because we're either usually our motivation strategy is either moving towards what we want, doing a good job, or away from what we don't want, mistaking, doing it wrong, failing, hurting somebody, letting people down. And that nervousness will come from one of the two. And there's usually a different place in our body that we even feel it. That for me, anytime I go on a podcast or I'm speaking or I'm training or I'm meeting somebody new, there's a little bit, for me, it's here. It's a little bit of a flutter in here. If I ever have that fear of doing it wrong, usually I feel that more in my gut. And so everybody's a little bit different. But I think that's that's why. Either we want to do a good job or we don't want to fail at something. But nerves are are normal. Nerves are good, they help keep us on the edge of something. Like I never want to take away those nerves unless they're getting in my way. And it's more of the away from one that's stopping me and getting in my way.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Sure. Sure. So today I want to dive into several different topics. I want to talk about mindset, human behavior, pasta syndrome, and living just with more awareness. Let's do it. What is your definition of mindset?

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Wow, my definition of mindset is understanding probably back to my original curiosity question of why. That mindset of why do we do what we do? You know, some people have more of a positive mindset, some people have more of a pessimistic mindset. Now, mindset isn't just one thing. There's probably layers of, you know, 8,000 different things that make up our mindset. But they're part of our belief systems, our values, what makes sense to us, what is true for us, what is right for us, our history. Because every single one of us, you know, there's what, 8.00 billion people in this world. And we each have a different background. Even if we, even if you and I lived in the same city, attended the same school, did the same type of thing, we're going to have different ideas about that because we're going to filter that information based on who we are, where we are, why we are. And all of that starts to create our mindset. And something that I love about mindset is it is flexible. It's not locked in. I don't know any mindset that's locked in unless we lock it. And that's that closed mindset versus an open mindset, closed or fixed mindset. Sure.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

So explain to me a little bit of a way I could fix my mindset for the better. For example, if I'm maybe half of my mind is thinking negative or or I'm not being motivated to move forward in something that's inspiring me. Give me some examples of how to practice a better mindset. You bet.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

If, for example, that that part of you is not doing something that you know is good for you and you're just not doing it, one of the first things that I would do, because oftentimes we beat ourselves up and go, but I know this is good for me. Why don't I do this? It isn't logical. Just get off the couch, just go and do it. Why aren't you doing it? You're lazy. And then we start doing this internal dialogue that is so not useful and so not motivational and so not helpful. Stop for a second and go, okay. Okay. This might sound like a weird question, but what is the purpose of me not doing it? Like, what do I think? Because we've got our conscious thinking analytical mind, and we've got our unconscious mind that's that non-thinking part that stores all those behaviors, that whole mindset. Now, every behavior, even the one that's holding me back, has a positive intention somewhere. Sure. It might be, I'm not, let's just take going to the gym, for example. I'm not doing that, even though I know it's good for me, I've got a goal and I've got the time, but I'm not doing it. How come? What is the intention of not doing it? Well, I just want to relax right now. Because when I can relax, I can recharge my batteries. And when I can recharge my batteries, I can be on again and live. So stop for a minute and instead of beating up, just start going, okay, what is the intention behind this? And then if it really is, I need to recharge my batteries. I can then ask myself, are my batteries recharged enough right now to go to the gym? Because maybe the gym is what will actually recharge my batteries. Or spending time with friends or cooking dinner or taking the trash out or whatever it is. We have more control of our mind than I think we think we do at times. And I would say the biggest tip that I can say is don't just take it for granted that I'm not feeling it, I'm not gonna do it. Question it. Question it. Not in a negative, derogatory, condescending way, but in a way that goes, you know what, I think you're trying to help me do something. Help me do what I want to do too.

SPEAKER_04 10:05

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Sure. I like to challenge myself. Yeah. When I may have a negative thought or I'm not sure what direction to go into. So I challenge myself. And I mentioned this on my podcast previously. I give myself either a 24, 48 hour challenge, and let's see what the outcome is. For me personally, I think that works.

unknown 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

You know, writing something down on why I don't want to move forward. So to me, I agree with you. Mindset is critical.

SPEAKER_04 10:40

You bet.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

So for an audience member that may say I'm stuck, what is your advice for them to move forward?

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Figure out what you want. Nine out of time nine out of ten times, maybe eight and a half, when somebody says to me, I'm stuck, and I say, Where are you going? They go, I don't know, I'm stuck. Yeah, but where are you going? Like, what do you really want? Well, I don't want to be stuck. Wonderful. What do you want? Because we have a a need to know what direction we're going to. So imagine for a minute we we we get into a taxi or we we, you know, dial up for an Uber or whatever. The first thing that that driver or ride share wants to know is what? Where are you going? Where are you going? If we get into a taxi and the driver goes, where are you going? You go, I don't know.

unknown 11:35

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

It's going to put on the meter and just start it running. And we're going to pay for it regardless. But we need to know where we're going. Now, a really cool thing that I think is cool about the mind is that it's unable to process negatives directly. What I mean by that is if I say I don't want to be stuck, the only thing it processes is stuck. I don't want to be tired. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be lost anymore. It processes only stuck and lost and angry. And that's where it takes us to. So I don't want to be is just like saying I want to. I want to be less frustrated. I might be a nine out of 10 on frustration. Less frustration is an 8.99. So what do you want? Get real specific about what do you want? How is it going to show up in your life? What's it going to feel like? What will you experience in life? How will other people notice you're wherever you're trying to go? And the moment we have that destination in mind, it's easier to see options about how to get there. But if we don't know in the first place, you know, it's like I I we're unminded right now, Alice in Wonderland. She dropped through the hole and she saw the cat. I can't see the Cheshire cat, and said, you know, hey cat, where do I go? And he said, Well, where are you going? And she said, I don't know. And he said, then it doesn't much matter anyway, does it?

unknown 13:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Gotta know which way we're going. Gotta know where you're going. That is spot on. You know, people get stuck. And when I'm talking to my audience, is when you're stuck, it could be several reasons. The people around you, your surroundings, with people probably providing those negativity, negative thoughts.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

That you're probably gonna say, okay, I would do that, the gym, for example, tomorrow. Right. Tomorrow comes, oh no, I would do it the next day. The next day comes, so on and so forth. I'll wait a minute. Exactly. So what is your advice for removing that negativity, removing those people or surroundings or whoever it is taking those people, eliminating those people from your lives, so then you could do something positive and move forward.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Well, I guess my question back to you would be do we have to remove the people or can we remove the belief that surrounds it?

SPEAKER_02 14:13

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Because I don't, I mean, sometimes it's our husband or our wife or our parents, you know, unless they're really an influence that needs to go, then they it might be useful to keep them around. I'm I'm all for if somebody really has that negative influence and it's impossible to get around it, then remove yourself from that situation. But most often it's about mindset again. That I might have a belief that it is so important to have their approval for something. And I met a lady, she was she was writing a book. She had been writing a book for 15 years, and she was almost done with it. But anytime she would pick it up to finish it, she would get derailed and never finish it. And so she finally she was like, Heidi, I need some help with this. And we used some some of my NLP techniques and we went back along her her timeline. History has a timeline you do too. Marks out your past, your present, your future. It's pretty normal to work with our timeline. But we went back to a time along her timeline where she went to somebody in the family or some movie of somebody in the family, saying, if you if you want to be successful, then your family won't be happy.

SPEAKER_04 15:28

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

And she had this pattern and she thought about all the women specifically in her life, and it it's that was individual to her, that all of them, none of them were highly successful, but they all had happy families. And the people that she could identify in the family that were successful were either single, divorced, or in miserable relationships.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

And she had a belief that she was upholding. So we utilized these NLP tools to actually bust through that belief to change that trajectory. And within three months, she was finished with writing her book. And she, I think she self-published it about two months later. That's awesome. Yeah. But this block had been there and it stopped her from writing the book, from getting a job promotion, all kinds of stuff. Because in the background, not even conscious to her was this you cannot be successful and have a happy family at the same time.

unknown 16:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

That's powerful.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

So powerful. So powerful. And we don't even know that stuff is there.

unknown 16:42

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

It's just hanging out in the background. But it makes it mindset. Yeah. Absolutely. I guess my answer to your question is figure out, and sometimes we can do it by ourselves. I do a lot of journaling to figure out what some of those patterns and programs and beliefs are. And sometimes it's it's about working with somebody else that has some tools that can help us find those beliefs and those things that hold us back. And address those, address those patterns. Because it's not just about the behaviors that we do and the thinking that we do. Change your thinking and you can change your life, but that's on a surface level. Change your unconscious thinking, your programs, your beliefs, your values really transform your life.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Yeah. So, Doctor, you mentioned a word, and I want to make sure the audience members are probably saying, What is this word I'm going to say to you right now? NLP. Can you explain what NLP is and dive into the project?

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Absolutely. So NLP stands for neurolinguistic programming. And most people get stuck on the linguistic aspect of it. I think that's the important, but also least important, if you will, part of it. My definition of it is understanding, and it's my toolbox to understand how the language, the linguistic of the mind, the neurology connects with the programs, our psychology that we run in life. So everything that happens comes into our awareness, and we hear it, we see it, we taste it, we touch it, we smell it, comes into our awareness. That's through that neurology, what we see, hear, taste, touch, smell. And how we say something through the words, through our tempo and tonality and volume, how we hold our body. We can observe how people are saying something, and that's that linguistic part. That's the external linguistic. I'm more interested in your internal linguistic. How do you feel something? Where are you, what emotions are present? What do you say to yourself? What are you thinking to yourself? What are the outcomes of that? Because everything, again, that we see, say, taste, touch, smell creates a neurological condition, a connection, if you will. So if somebody, for example, is afraid of dogs, they see a dog, automatically it triggers a neuroconnection and boom, it triggers a program or a pattern or our psychology, and up comes that fear. And so NLP can help to circumnavigate that link between what has been entered into our system, what we see here, feel that, into how it connects neurologically with us, into what programs it goes in. So if somebody does have a fear of dogs, NLP then has the ability to break the circuitry so that you see a dog, it no longer connects with that neurology, and you have a neutral response to that fear, that dog. And so that goes with any belief, behavior, attitude, anything has that neurological connection to our programs. We can change them, enhance them, create new patterns, ultimately live your life how you want, easier. Sure.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

And how can someone make that change? For example, um, we mentioned stock earlier. And how can someone take NLP and use it on a day-to-day?

SPEAKER_01 20:22

I mean, that's probably too huge of a question for today, but let me give you a small, simpler answer. So lots of different things. One aspect is just state management, managing our mood or our emotion. Our mood and emotion are intrinsically linked to our physiology. That if I'm if I'm stuck, I probably have, you know, either, you know, I'm totally like relaxed and doing nothing, or I'm stressed and I'm up tight and my muscles are are tensed. To manage our state, we just go, okay, what I'm stuck. What is that like right now? Okay, if I were actually going to the gym, what would I be doing? And then shifting and moving my body into that. Because the minute I change my physiology, I change my emotional state. For for the listeners right now, one very simple example is just for a minute, just for a minute, and not even that long. Show yourself or show me what sad looks like. Can you show me what sad looks like? What is your sad look like?

SPEAKER_04 21:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

And most people do that. Most people look down, what comes out, show me sad again. Now just look at your ceiling. Can you still be sad and look at the ceiling?

SPEAKER_02 21:43

No, that that's funny. It's and I say it's funny because you're wondering they don't go together, do they? Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

What's funny about it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

What's funny about it is when you're looking down You feel you feel down. Your body feels rejected. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

That's how your feet your bodies feel it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

And it's simple. As you said, you look up and I felt more relieved.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

Yeah. Now here's another interesting thing. NLP looks at what we call eye accessing cues, that I can watch your eyes move and see where you're gathering information, where you've stored information. I use this to ask better questions and just understand where a person's at. When somebody's looking down, when they're looking down into what's your left, their right, this is what we call the kinesthetic. So they're in feelings. So if I'm looking down here, I'm feeling. And so if I'm sad and I'm down here, then I'm probably connecting to an emotion. If I'm looking on my other side, my left, your right to you, this is our internal dialogue. And so this I'm talking to myself. And so I, if I'm down here going, yeah, I feel really crap. Oh, so sad. Do I feel it? Yeah. Oh, look at that feeling. The minute you pop up here, we don't store emotions, we store pictures, we store visualization up here. And so I can't feel in the same way when I look up. And that's one tiny little tip for state management is just change. That's part of your physiology, but just look up. That if somebody's stuck, sometimes they're either God, I don't know where to start, and we're stuck in that internal dialogue. Look up. I don't know what to do. It feels like crap. Look up. It might not, it might not do anything other than get you out of that. But once we're out of that, we can take a next step. We can do something different.

SPEAKER_00 23:47

Anything.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Anything. So that's one example of using NLP in a day-by-day situation. I think the other thing that I'd like to bring to our um listeners' attention, it's kind of a weird thing, but our thoughts are coded. So if you've ever had, let's say we're we're stuck with something and we go, oh, I'm just so stuck. We even somebody does this, I'm just stuck. There's a really good chance that wherever they just touched or referenced is where they feel stuck. So that feeling has a location. It probably has weight, light, heavy, temperature, cool, warm. It might have movement, it might not. One of the simplest things that I like to do with people is find where do you feel stuck? Is it in your head, your heart, your chest? And most of the time they say it's heavy and it's not moving and it's dark. Like the symbol or the shape of it. Sure. What would happen if you just gave it movement? Just movement. Spin it, let it start to shake, move it in your body. Move it in your body. Because it's it's a really weird thing. They're called submodalities, the the subcomponents of the modalities of our what we see, hear, and feel internally. And just by being aware of those things, it again, it sounds weird, but it's so interesting when we start to shift those submodalities of our thoughts. We can change our life. We can make a change.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

Yeah. Wow. So another thing I do, and maybe you just get about looking up. Yeah. When you're outside, any day, a beautiful day, a sunny day, cloudy day, whatever it is, there's something to it when you look up to the sky.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

Yeah, daytime or night. Beautiful. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:45

Stunning. Even and even at night, the stars out. You see the moon.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

That look up thing, as soon as I meet somebody who is depressed or sad or stuck in that way, the homework that I give them is go and look at the sky.

SPEAKER_03 26:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

Go look at the sky. Walk outside and look at the sky. If you can't see the sky because you live somewhere, look at the tops of buildings. Just look up.

SPEAKER_02 26:10

And I can relate. Every morning I sit in my coffee table and I and I sit there for many reasons. But I'm drinking my coffee, having my breakfast, and straight ahead, my vision is the mountains, the sky, and trees. Nice. That is my favorite part of the day. I look forward to every morning having my cup of coffee and breakfast and just staring outside.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

My invitation is to do it in the middle of the day and the end of the day too.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

Sure. Sure. And why is that?

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Because if you only look forward to the mornings, then the morning's gone and we're like, man, I can't wait for tomorrow. And then we miss the now. But if you have that a few times a day and you actually experience it, not just okay, here I go again, but experience it, then your psychology starts to look forward to more and more often. So if it's the favorite part of your day, bring that favorite part in two or three times in the day.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. When I'm not in my office, right working. But yes.

unknown 27:22

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

Right. But no, I I definitely will take that advice. Thank you. Yeah. So what is exactly human behavior? So I say human behavior, and I and I think of a million different explanations of why human behavior really means. So, Doctor, can we dive in a little bit about what exactly is human behavior?

SPEAKER_01 27:45

Sure. Sure. I think it's just simply the outcomes that we have, what we do. So behavior is simply what we do. Now, behavior is very much aligned with what we feel capable of, what we believe to be true. So our beliefs and values and those unconscious patterns and who we are, our identity. And all of those things, based on let's call it an intention, will shift and change. Let's say that for lack of better examples, let's say that we meet at a bar and we meet just to have a quick chat about maybe an upcoming podcast or something like that. We meet at five o'clock and we're just having a chat. Now, the purpose is just to have a chat about an upcoming podcast. Your identity is uh the host, mine is the guest. You have beliefs about what's important about that. I have beliefs for myself and our roles. We have capabilities of being able to have a great conversation, and our conversation will be great, and our behaviors will be a wonderful conversation. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine and you might have a beer or a wine or a cocktail if you if you have alcoholic beverages. No problem. But let's say that after this podcast, somebody's been listening to it, and they say, Hey, the two of you are phenomenal. Can we meet up and do a series? And can I interview you to do a series on something? And both of us are involved in that. And we go, yeah, let's meet at that same bar. So we go back to the same bar. The intention is a little bit different. Now, the intention is it is a business meeting, potentially with some income in there, change lives, and lots of people are going to be impacted and we're meeting with somebody else. We bring a different version of ourselves. We bring that identity that is more that professional stuff. Same environment though. We've gone to the same bar, but we're bringing that different version of us. I have different beliefs about what's appropriate, the kind of conversations we're going to have. You have different beliefs and values that you're going to bring into that as well. We have the capabilities of it, and our behaviors are still our behaviors. But I'm going to venture to say I'm not going to have that glass of wine that day. Because my belief system says my behaviors, I'm not going to have a glass of wine when it is an important business meeting.

SPEAKER_04 30:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

And so our behavior changes and that same environment, but it changes the whole outcome of it. We have multiple different levels of behaviors that we do. And not all behaviors are relevant in every context, every situation. How I behave at church at a wedding is very different than how I believe behave at church on a Sunday.

SPEAKER_02 30:41

Sure.

unknown 30:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

But yeah, I noticed. For example, I like sports. So the way I'm going to behave watching my team win or lose, it's different how I'm out with my wife and family having dinner.

SPEAKER_01 30:56

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

Yeah, I would hope so. Bring me more bread rolls now.

SPEAKER_04 31:07

Love it, love it, love it.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Exactly. But that is that is interesting. I never really thought about behavior like that.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Yeah. You know where it was really interesting noticing behaviors, for me at least. Um, I would talk to a lot of my my clients during COVID when everybody was at home and working from home. And some people said to me about their spouse. Like I remember this one, this one guy.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

He we were talking, he goes, I don't even know if I know my wife.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

And I said, What do you mean? Well, she's at home. She's like nice and she's, you know, nurturing and she's supportive. And I have seen her in work mode, and she is not so nice, and she is very direct and very like, I don't know who this person is. So oftentimes we saw a different side of our partners and our friends if we lived with them and everybody's in lockdown, still working. And it was fascinating.

SPEAKER_04 32:08

Fascinating.

SPEAKER_02 32:09

Yeah. Wow. And why is different behaviors so important? Like I said, example, I sports. I'm going out, dinner with my family, you're going to a wedding, you're hanging out with the girls or the boys, a date night hour, or whatever it is. Why is it so important to have different behaviors?

SPEAKER_01 32:32

It's important because there's a different context and a different intention and different purpose and a different meaning behind everything. And when we don't understand that, that's when communication issues happen. You know, parents have a hard job because parents have to teach their kids the nuance between we're at the sports ground and we're at something quiet and somber today. We can't run around. But, you know, tomorrow afternoon we're coming back and you can play.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

Right.

unknown 33:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

You know, why why is different, but it all comes back down to context and the meaning behind something. And it's sometimes a simple nuance, but there's a there's a saying that says, communication is the response you get. And sometimes if we don't understand the nuance of something, communication misses the mark. But it's an important thing to know, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 33:28

It is. It is. And I definitely learned something new when it comes to behavior. You know, I never, as I said, I never really thought about it deeply. Yeah. It was the way you just explained it to us. Cool. So yeah. Thank you for that. I love that. Good. I love that. So let's dive into pasta syndrome. Okay. What is the definition? And let's talk a little bit about it.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

I don't know if there's one specific definition of it, but in my words, I would say it's the fear of being found out. You know, so many people sit in front of me and they, you know, look great. They, you know, they have the part, they are successful, their resume reads phenomenally. They maybe they just got a new job, or maybe it's an old job, or something.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

They're like, all right, I'm afraid they're gonna find out that I'm not all that they think I am.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

And it's usually this comparison of themselves and other people, or where they should be, or all this kind of stuff, but lots of self-doubt, lots of self-doubt. And self-esteem and confidence is a little bit lower sometimes in that regard because they're afraid to be found out, which is fascinating.

SPEAKER_02 34:43

Sure. So I mentioned this as well a few times in prior podcasts, that it took me three years to create the influencer exchange podcast. And I doubted myself. I was afraid of being judged, I was afraid of what others will think. And I even to this day, fast forward, even to this day, I'm saying to myself and being hard on myself on why it took me so long. Why did it take me three years? Yes, I'm now in the best place ever, the best space ever, and I'm excited. But each interview, I am getting better and better and learning. You bet.

SPEAKER_04 35:32

You bet.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

You know, um, so I go back and and I say to myself, how come? What stopped me? Nobody was stopping me. You got it. It was my mind. Yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

Yeah. I think people sometimes get confused between confidence and competence. Confidence is that belief in ourselves. Competence is skill level. And sometimes we we get them confused or they we think that they have to correlate. That if I'm not competent in something, I can't be confident in it. But if I don't actually do it, I'll never build the competence to be confident. So I think they can grow together, but I would love more people to have more of a sense of confidence. Like I believe in me. I don't have the skills yet to do that, but I believe in me. And I know that as my competence grows, my confidence doing it will grow as well. But lots and lots of people wait until they have the confidence. But how can you have the confidence in a skill if you don't have the skill? And that's why every single one of these you do, you grow from. And you're expanding your competence. And as your competence increases, then your confidence about it increases as well. So they go hand in hand, but they're separate. And I probably need the experience to have the confidence of the experience.

SPEAKER_02 37:20

Yes, I love that.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

So just start. Just start. You know, there's an another saying that says there's no failure-only feedback. That I'm sure you've had some interviews, especially in your first few months, that you were like, Yeah, man, that was what was I doing? What was I doing?

SPEAKER_04 37:37

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

And you look back on that and you didn't fail at any one of them. There may have been interviews that you did that you were like, I'm putting that one in the bin, and I'm not even publishing that because that was not so good. That's not failure, that's learning. And when we can reframe that aspect anytime that we didn't do something so well, instead of going, man, I failed at that, and that sucked. No, it we learned. Now, if you did something and you're like, man, that was bad, and you do it again in exactly the same way, maybe that's failure because we failed to learn.

SPEAKER_03 38:13

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

That's the only failure there is, is if we fail to learn and we've done it the two or three times. You know, I've done the same thing. Like, I did something last week, and I did it once, and like, God, that didn't work. And I did it again the exact same way. And guess what? That one didn't work either. And then the second time I was like, okay, Heidi, step back for a second. Because what's that definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? So if I'm leaning into the insanity bucket, stop and do something different.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

Sure. And also shows no one is perfect. Nobody. And so many people tried it. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So in corporations, I'm sure there's a lot of pasta syndrome going on.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

Oh, yeah. Big time. Big time. And in our C level, our C suites, our CEOs, our CFO. I interviewed a I did an interview. I had a client session a couple days ago with a guy who's just gotten a job as a CEO of a company. And he was like, I've never been a CEO before. I don't know if I could do it. And I said, Well, you got hired to do it. Somebody thinks you can.

unknown 39:25

Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

Use their belief until yours catches up.

SPEAKER_02 39:29

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Do the best job you as you can.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Absolutely. I said to one of my team members not long ago, I was having her do a new task. And it was, you know, in front of people and all kinds. And she said, Oh, I don't know if I can do it. And I said, I know you can. So I'll believe for you until you catch up.

SPEAKER_03 39:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 39:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

For sure. Yeah. I love that. I love it. You know, have for someone to have more awareness is critical. You bet. And again, awareness could be a million different things. It looks like everything we've been speaking about today could mean a million different things.

SPEAKER_01 40:12

Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:14

Yeah. Awareness. Being more aware and living in, I would say, better awareness. How can someone do that?

SPEAKER_01 40:24

By slowing down, by paying attention. We live so much of our life on autopilot, so much that we just get to the end of the day and we're like, oh, what happened? What did I do? You know, it's May. How did I get to May or whatever month it is right now? How did we get here? And it's because we we just go through life. And there's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we miss it. So that awareness piece is, I don't think I have to be aware all the time, but I want to be aware of a few things. I want to be aware of those moments, you know, looking up at the sky and the mountains. I want to be aware of the beauty of the world. Otherwise, we take it for granted. I want to be aware every now and then of my successes, to be proud, to be grateful. I also want to be aware when something is too hard. Because if something's too hard, not just if it's hard, but if it's too hard or too challenging or feels like, you know, that insanity thing or pushing the boulder up the hill, I'm probably doing it wrong. And so then I can start to identify what are the beliefs or values or patterns or that mindset that I might want to tweak or change.

SPEAKER_04 41:33

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 41:34

Now I have, I cheat. I have not on me at the moment. It's still in the bathroom. Uh I took my watch off when I went there. But every day I have an alarm that goes off at 7 a.m., 9 a.m. 11, 1, 3, 5, and 7. So all throughout the day. Every two hours. And it's just a little alarm that comes on my phone and buzzes my arm that is a reminder for me to take a breath and to come into this moment of now and to be aware. And I just go, what am I grateful for? And does anything need to shift or change? Those two questions.

SPEAKER_04 42:16

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 42:17

What is that? Seven, nine, eleven, one, three, five, seven, seven times, seven times a day. I purposefully be aware. And even if I'm training and a podcast, something, it just takes a breath. It's just turning off that alarm and that deep breath. Anything that I need to do differently in this moment.

SPEAKER_04 42:41

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

So at least a few times, every few hours, I get a check-in. It might seem excessive. I don't think it is, because it's life's important. Yes, it is. That's so much a life as most of us have on autopilot, just letting it happen instead of in my driver's seat, taking responsibility, being in charge of it. Because if there's something I can do differently, that's up to me to do, not somebody else.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

So as much as I can, I try and walk my talk.

unknown 43:11

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 43:12

That's great. And how does it make you feel?

SPEAKER_01 43:15

Empowered. Empowered. Love that. And at times tired. And the tired times is like sometimes I'm like, God, I don't want to be responsible for my life. And there are days that I'm like, I just want to stay in my pajamas today and watch TV. And I will do exactly that. But that is an every now and then thing, not an everyday thing.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

Sure. Why do people resist to change?

SPEAKER_01 43:48

Because it's easier to do what we know. Even if what we know is uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_04 43:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:55

Even if what we know is impossible. Even if what we know is yuck. We would rather the certainty of uncomfort than the uncomfort of uncertainty. That sounds like a quote. I should write that down. Heidi. Maybe somebody else said it, I don't know. But we don't like to not know.

SPEAKER_04 44:22

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:23

And when I'm changing, I have to do something different. I have to think different. I don't even know who I'm going to be. And then if we add in there, what are other people going to think?

SPEAKER_04 44:35

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

Am I allowed to change? Because if I be better, if I become a better version of me, will my kids still like me? Will my partner still like me? Will my parents allow me to do that? You know? Or will they do like I think we've all there's so many TV shows and movies around the person who wants to do better and the family goes, haha, you? You think you're gonna do that?

SPEAKER_04 45:00

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

Run a business.

SPEAKER_04 45:01

It's your circle. Who are you?

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Who do you are?

SPEAKER_02 45:06

Yeah. Yeah, it's a circle. And you know, we mentioned that earlier. It's who you surround yourself with. Is it again negative, positive, people holding you back, people pushing you, motivating you? It's exactly.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

And here's the thing: we don't actually, it's helpful, but we don't actually need people behind us pushing us towards what we want. Even if they're holding us back, we have to push ourselves. We have to get ourselves across the line. And even if other people are going, who are you to do that? You know, who's gonna want to come and see you for that? Who's gonna run and read that book? You're gonna run a business, you're gonna do you've met our family, we're not successful. Yeah. Don't prove them wrong, prove you right.

SPEAKER_02 45:51

Yes. Yes. And I have heard that over and over and over.

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Therefore, it must be true.

SPEAKER_02 46:00

So common, so common. So people to say that. Yeah, you're gonna do this, you gonna do that? No way.

SPEAKER_01 46:06

You will never do that in a million years, right? You'll never do that. And like we said earlier, we can either change the people in our lives or we can change our mindset about it.

SPEAKER_02 46:16

Correct. Again, that's powerful. Yeah. So I want to dive in and talk about your books. You are an amazing author. Thank you. And you have several books. And your latest book is The Wizard of Cause.

SPEAKER_01 46:32

Yeah, I have that one right here. That's my favorite one. The Wizard of Cause.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

I love it.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

Talk to us about your book. Yes. So this book was written for a while and it kept being changed to something different because I had all kinds of information that I wanted to go in there. And then last year I was like, I am finishing that book. And when I read through my manus manuscript, it was quite boring. I'm like, oh that's sad. Why is it boring? And I was like, all right, well, I don't want to write a boring book. Let's put it aside. And then I was at a uh chatting to a friend and they were talking about the book Who Moved My Cheese? I don't know if you've ever read that book, but it's just a story, a story with a message in there. And I went, oh, I love that book and story books like that, a story that tells a message. I'm like, Wizard of Cause needs that. And so I had this dream the next night or something like that about this lady and what she does. And so then I retook all of the concepts and information from a self-help book and then created a story that helps us to be a wizard of cause. So wizard of cause is that that aspect of um being at cause, which is a lot of what we've been talking about today. We can either be in effect and living our life on autopilot and just going with the flow and things happen to us, or we can be at cause and be responsible for making things happen for us. And so this is about how do we get out of the cycle, the rut, the stuckness? How do we get away from the labels that we've put on, the masks that we wear and come back to our true authentic self and step into the driver's seat of life and live at cause?

SPEAKER_02 48:18

Yes. Love that. So for the audience, make sure you've go to the episode description and I will be posting everything and where to find the book and where to purchase it. Wonderful. So I usually like to ask my guests one final question. What final thoughts or message would you like to share with the world?

SPEAKER_04 48:48

Be yourself.

SPEAKER_01 48:50

The easiest character to play in this life is you. And if it's hard to be yourself, figure out what's stopping you and standing in your way so you can transform those things to come back to you. Because I believe we're born whole. And then these layers of beliefs and ideas and thoughts get put into us. And then our job as adults is to chip away those layers to just become us again. Be yourself.

SPEAKER_02 49:17

I love that. And I want to piggyback off of that. Please. Next time someone is sad or feeling down and you are looking down, look up. Look up indeed. Well, Doctor, yes, it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much. I appreciate your time. And I'm looking forward to the next time we have another conversation.

SPEAKER_01 49:41

Me too. Me too. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_02 49:43

Yes. Take care. Before I go, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for pressing play. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching on YouTube. I truly appreciate you taking the time to be here with me. And if you're watching this on YouTube, make sure you hit the subscribe button. And if you're listening on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or any other platform, follow the podcast so you don't miss out on the next episode. Because we're going to keep having real honest conversations like this. And remember, your influence grows every time you choose courage over comfort. I'm JV, stay curious, stay consistent, and keep influencing others.